Meredith Baxter Comes 'Untied' for the First Time Publicly and Shines

America's favorite lesbian mom, Meredith Baxter, has opened up her heart and soul in the memoir that is changing lives across the globe - Untied. The all-telling uncompromising deep look at the Family Ties mother and recovering alcoholic (20 years) is proving life-changing to readers in search of finding their own strength through adversity. When you rearrange the letters in the book's title it spells "United" and that is just what the dramatic actress has done for millions of women without having any concept of it.

Untied takes the reader on a journey through a childhood seemingly void of love, attention and affection and into failed marriages where the abuser had free reign over the victim. Said "victim" later realizes that she has always had the ultimate control over assuming that needy role and makes the conscious effort to stop the pattern of aggression and aggravation. Gaining strength, the subject at hand learns to examine her part in the cycle of abuse and make the ultimate decision to let go, let God and put one foot in front of the other on the path towards emotional freedom.

Meredith's story is common, but is hardly ever discussed over dinner with the in-laws or in the private quarters where truth usually sleeps. In this interview, I converse with Meredith about how she managed to overcome the disappointment and grief of abusive relationships to emerge a self-sufficient, self-recognized force to be reckoned with in charge of her own destiny.

Sobriety = courage

You leave no stone unturned in your memoir Untied. What was your support system like during the writing process? Bravo on your bravery and candor.

What I learned in sobriety is that you don't have to have courage. You just have to keep doing what's in front of you. Courage is not necessarily the absence of fear and trepidation. It's just putting one foot in front of the other and I guess that's just what I did.

I knew that if I was going to present a clear picture of myself for people to understand the choices I made to put myself into horrible situations, I had to be honest. You know, it wasn't going to help if it wasn't clear so I had to put in that connective tissue which sometimes was not very attractive. It wasn't, "Let's present a great picture of Meredith here" because it wasn't a great picture to present. I just went through a lot of stuff. Everybody goes through a lot of stuff.

Why was it so important to you to not come across in your memoir as a victim but, rather, a participating party?

Because I understood that by not accepting responsibility for my part in what happened, even if it was one-tenth of one percent, I was going to have to continue the same behavior because I wouldn't have learned anything. That's why I had to go back and get married again after my divorce from David [Birney]. I married someone that was inappropriate. I knew before I married him, just like with David, that I shouldn't be there and that it was not going to work. However, I had done no self-examination. I never understood what took me to the place where I thought marrying David was a good choice. I was doomed to go back and make the same mistakes again...which I did.

You were treated horribly by the people in your life that should have been there to show you love - your mom, stepfather, David, etc. Do you feel like the writing process has brought you peace of mind?

Peace came eventually. Kind of like...now. There was no peace in the writing, I have to say. I wept copiously. Going back to some of those places and re-living the emotions was difficult. At one point I wrote "I'm crying as I'm writing this now," which I then had to go back and take out because, who cares? It didn't matter!

Lately, you've been on the talk show circuit promoting Untied. How has that experience been?

Whether it was a movie or a book, it was better if the person interviewing me had either read it or seen it. I used to get, "So, tell us about the book. What is it about?" and I would say, "Nope, sorry, can't do that." But when people have actually read the book, I have had absolutely the best conversations. Much to my surprise and thrill, I realized that I seem to have accidentally written a book that people can relate to and it has a value. The only reason I felt to do this was if people were going to learn something from it, particularly, I guess, people who have been in abusive relationships. I want people to see that they have a choice. I never really knew that I had a choice. The truth is that I don't know if anyone could've told me that, but maybe in the reading. You know, when we sit and read and that story starts hitting different points of identification and people can put themselves in my situation because they have been there that's wonderful. If they can do that, then maybe they will have that little bit of willingness to ask themselves, "What did I tell myself that made it be okay to be there? What was I hoping I was going to get out of it?" We have to see that. We have to see that! Otherwise, you know, I've lived for a long time and I married a horrible person. I thought, "What's wrong with me that I'm so bad that he has to do this?" These are very non-productive thoughts. He is doing what he knows how to do. It ain't my fault. My fault is tolerating it and staying there. My part is thinking that I don't have a choice. That's my part.

You have played multiple mother figure roles throughout your career and actually had a very tepid relationship with your own mother growing up. Do you think these roles were sent to you in a way to help you deal with your own personal experiences as a sort of sub-conscious therapy to work things out internally?

I do think that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Everything that happens is an opportunity. I never did this in the past, but today I say, "Okay, what am I supposed to learn from this?" When I go out on an audition and I don't get this job or that job it's like, "What the heck?" They haven't told me that I'm done or sent me the watch yet. I can say that I have been going in and doing the best job I can. What am I supposed to learn from this? Well, maybe I'm not supposed to be acting right now. Is that a possibility?

It's a possibility. Maybe right now you are meant to be going out there to share your experiences to help others who need to hear them and get inspired.

I'm writing and have another 15,000 words towards another book, but I don't know if that is going to happen.

Oh, I hope so!

I do, too.

Let's make it happen!

That's out of my control. I can only do my part. That is what I have learned. I'm supposed to do what I can do and stay out of the results. It's none of my business if it gets published or not. My job is to learn what I need to learn as I am writing. I can't say I'm always there, but I know that I have been in that place and, right now, I can speak it with confidence because that is how I am feeling this morning. You know, that's none of my business. That's the publisher's business. They get to make their decision based on what they need and what they know and relate to. If they don't like it, then maybe I can go to another publisher. If the Universe tells me, "Not this time Meredith." Then I ask, "What am I supposed to learn from this?"

Coming out

"What other people think about you is none of your business." That is one of my favorite quotes by an unknown author. Generally speaking, we always think that others are out there judging us when, in fact, they are not even thinking anything about us at all.

That is true. We're all too involved with ourselves! As much as we all like to think others are thinking about us all the time!

You came out to the world officially on The Today Show in 2009. How did that change your life?

I don't really know. First of all, it's a revolting thing to have to do. Why should anybody have to do that? A gay computer person doesn't have to go out there and do that. I think it's a testament to people's fear and lack of information. It's not their fault, but it becomes a story. "Let's talk about people! Let's gossip." I think it's becoming an American phenomenon. Public gossip is so ugly. With that said, it was enormously freeing. Once Nancy [Locke] and I walked out of The Today Show in the light rain, I thought, "Well, that's done! I don't have to do that again!"

You were recently on Oprah to discuss your book as well.

I never had a chance to see the Oprah segment that we did. I found some weird online thing because Oprah had taken it off the internet. I saw a couple minutes of the beginning and had forgotten that I was standing there with Oprah at the beginning of the show and she said to the audience, "Meredith Baxter is a lesbian!" As if she was saying, "You are a potato!" I was like, "Okay..." I totally had forgotten that part. I think it probably expressed her lack of comfort with the subject.

Many of our readers here at The Seattle Lesbian will be able to relate to feeling an attraction/connection with a close friend that leads to a relationship you never saw coming. Have you received a lot of response regarding your first female kiss with a close friend?

You are the first one to mention that. At no time has anyone ever brought that up in an interview.

That surprises me.

Yeah, I mean, Oprah might have mentioned something, but I can't remember. I just loved the person at the time and had more lessons to learn before realizing that I was a lesbian.

You attended The Dinah in Palm Springs last year and even walked the red carpet. Are you planning to attend this year?

I have some family conflicts so I can't go down for the whole time, but I know Fortune Feimster, Paula Poundstone and Suzanne Westenhoefer and Nancy and I want to see their comedy night performance.

You are currently working on the Cathy DeBuono/Jill Bennett web series We Have to Stop Now. How is working in the web series medium different than main television and film?

No budget! They are delightful, the writing is nice and they are great performers. It's fun to do. It's been over a year since I've done any of the taping. They're drumming up marketing and an audience right now and are doing an amazing job. I'm stunned that they know how to do all of this. They are such talented women.